JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

A young boy at a Catholic school had a note sent home to his parents. His mom and dad asked him what happened and this was his story.

"I don't think I did anything wrong!! I was standing in line to get my lunch at the cafeteria. The line was a little slow, but when I got closer, I noticed a big bowl of juicy looking apples. Right next to the apples there was a sign that said "Help yourself. Please take only one apple. God is watching." As I moved down the line I noticed a big bowl of cookies. The cookies didn't have a sign, so I thought I would make one up for them. So I got out my red marker and a piece of paper and printed up a sign that said, "Cookies!  Take as many as you want.  God is watching the apples.!"

So, a guy is working in the produce department in a local grocery store. He's arranging some vegetables when he hears a woman come up behind him and ask, "Excuse me.! Hey mister, where's the broccoli? I can't find the broccoli." The produce guy turns around and says, "Oh... I'm really sorry ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli. We'll have some more tomorrow morning." He turns back around and goes to work stacking oranges into a nice pyramid shape.

A minute later he hears the 'voice' and turns around to see the same woman. She looks right at him and asks, "Where's the broccoli? I don't see any broccoli." He hesitates, then says, "I'm sorry. We sold out of broccoli. We have another shipment on the way. We'll have more broccoli tomorrow morning." Once again he turns around to continue his work.

A few minutes later the same woman approaches him, gets up close, face to face and in a loud demanding voice she asks him, "Where's the broccoli? "Don't you guys have any broccoli.?" He holds up his hands, backs up a bit, then says "Wait just a minute. May I ask you a couple of questions.? The woman nods ....

So he continues, "Tell me. How do you spell 'cat', like in 'catastrophic'??"  She says "C.A.T." He nods then says, "How do you spell 'dog', like in 'dogmatic'?" She responds, "D.O.G." He nods again, then asks, "How do you spell 'F*CK', like in broccoli??" She answered with a sneer, "There is no 'F*CK' in broccoli"
Now, all purple in the face, he screams at her, "EXACTLY.!!" "That's what I've been trying to tell you, lady.!!"

One day a little girl asked her mom where people came from. Her mom thought then told her that God created Adam and Eve and people descended from that first creation. The little girl said OK, then went back to reading her book. Later that day she saw her dad and asked him the same question. Her dad said that a long time ago people first evolved from monkeys. The girl stood there for a minute or so, then shrugged and went back to reading. That same evening, after dinner, the little girl went back to her mother and asked her again. She said, I know you told me that God created us, but dad said that we came from monkeys. Which one is right.??  Her mom laughed then said “Oh honey, that’s easy. I told you where I came from. Dad told you about HIS side of the family.!!

A woman said to her husband one morning, “Darling, i had a dream about my birthday. In the dream there were earrings, a bracelet, and a necklace.” —- “What do you think that means.??” 
The husband thought for bit then said, “Just wait for your birthday.!!”
On her birthday her husband handed her a nicely wrapped package. She excitedly tore into it, anxious to see her gifts. Inside the box was a book titled “How To Interpret Dreams” !!!

Bob and his wife had been married for 20 years and Bob was in trouble.!! He had forgotten their anniversary. She was VERY upset and announced loudly and plainly, “Tomorrow I had better find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds or less.!! And you had better believe I mean what I say.!!”
The next morning Bob gets up early and leaves for work. Around noon, his wife looks out the window and sees a substantial box, gift-wrapped, sitting in the middle of the driveway. She hurries out and excitedly starts tearing into the box. She finds her anniversary gift——-
A brand new, shiny, bathroom scale.!!
 

Easter themed from my local vet

If u see a bunny laying brown eggs, please don’t eat it. It’s not chocolate.

Easter themed from my local vet
If u see a bunny laying brown eggs, please don’t eat it.  It’s not chocolate.

"CHICKEN STRIPS..!!!"

A man was in a locker room getting dressed after a workout. There were four other guys in there either getting ready or finishing up. He reached over and picked up the phone on the bench that was ringing and put it on speaker. “Hello” he says. “Hi honey. Are you still at the club?” “Yes, he answered. “I’ll be leaving in about ten minutes or so.” “ Okay”, she said. “I’m at the shops. I just found a beautiful leather jacket that I really like. It’s  only $2000.00. Can I buy it??” Without hesitation he said, “Sure, it’s okay.” She continued saying, “On the way here I stopped at the Lexus dealership to look over the new models. I found one I like in the right color.” He asked her, “How much is it?” “It’s $90,000”, she answered. “Hmm, well okay” he said. “But for that price, I want all the options too.” “Okay”, she said. “And by the way, the realtor called.” “That house we wanted last year is back on the market for $980,000.” He thought for a second then said, “Why don’t you take a look at it. If it’s still what you want, make an offer for $900,000. They‘ll probably take it. We can pay the other $80,000 if we have to.” “Okay” she said. “Thanks honey. I love you.!!”  Smiling, he said, “Love you too, bye.”
The other four guys in the locker room were standing there speechless, their mouths hanging open, eyes glazed over. 
He held the phone up and said, “She seems really nice. —- Anyone know whose phone this is.??”

A woman walks up to her pastor and asks him for advice. She said “Pastor, I have two female parrots. They talk a lot but all they say is “Hi , we’re hookers. Wanna have some fun??” The pastor said, “That’s terrible.!!” He thought for a second then said, “ I may have a solution. I have two male parrots and they spend their time talking quietly and praying. Why don’t you bring your birds over and we’ll put them together. I’ll bet they will learn to behave.” The woman said, “Okay, it’s worth a try. I’ll bring them over this evening.”  The woman took her parrots over to the pastor’s house and immediately noticed the pastor’s parrots sitting quietly in their cage with rosary beads and praying. She carefully placed her birds in the cage with the male birds and walked away to watch and listen. It was quiet for a few minutes then her female birds let out a whistle and hollered, “Hi, we’re hookers. Wanna have some fun??” The male parrots looked at each other and one spoke up. “You can put the beads down, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.!!!”